The Poetry of a Waterfront Wedding

Candice and Curtis were married on the very bridge where they had gone to talk many times during their courting years. Bridges symbolize the transformative journey from one stage of life to the next, and so a bridge is the perfect spot for a wedding that takes a couple from their life as separate individuals to their life as one.

During the ceremony, I read from Anne Morrow Lindbergh’s Gift from the Sea, these words that draw a connection between the nature of water and of love:

When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern.

The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what was in nostalgia, nor forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now. Relationships must be like islands, one must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits - islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea, and continually visited and abandoned by the tides.

“Stephen and Martha, It is fitting that you have chosen to take your vows at this spot where the Chenango and Susquehanna Rivers meet, for as you navigate the ups and downs of marriage you will be reminded of the eddies and rapids of a river. And just as these two rivers strengthen themselves by coming together, the confluence of your two lives will strengthen your love and your ability to share yourselves with each other.”

                                 ~ Emily VanLaeys

“Igor and Yana, you first embarked on your journey together with a walk along the Charles River in Cambridge. Gradually you fell in love; and then there was the romantic vacation in Jamaica where Igor proposed to Yana on a cliff overlooking the beach. Now the river of life has led you to this gorgeous waterfall in Ithaca where you will exchange your vows and become a family.”

           

                                     ~ Emily VanLaeys

Fire-Theme Wedding

       For their June wedding, Nick and Chrissy had their guests gather in a circle around a bonfire - a reminder of the divine light that blazes within their hearts and the hearts of each one of their loved ones. Before telling their love story, I read a poem called "Love is Friendship Caught Fire" by Laura Hendricks:

Love is friendship caught fire; it is quiet, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving.
It is loyalty through good and bad times.
It settles for less than perfection, and makes allowances for human weaknesses.
Love is content with the present, hopes for the future, and does not brood over the past.
It is the day-in and day-out chronicles of irritations,
problems, compromises, small disappointments,
big victories, and working toward common goals.
If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things you lack.
If you do not have it, no matter what else there is, it is not enough.

       After I declared Nick and Chrissy to be husband and wife, they lit two individual candles from the bonfire to symbolize the way their unique energies radiate from the same source of love and light. Then they used their individual flames to light a sky lantern, which they released after it was full of hot air, to symbolize the way their united energies of life and love will enable them to achieve their highest dreams.

       All of the guests watched in awe as the sky lantern sailed above the treetops and disappeared into the clouds, and then Nick and Chrissy sealed their vows with a kiss.

Weddings Create Good Vibes

7-7-11 wedding

                             

When I'm not preparing or conducting weddings, a lot of my time is spent working on my book:"The World According to Love" and writing for my other blog: "Building Bridges of Oneness." But I find that my wedding work is part of my spiritual work, too. Participating in weddings is a luscious way to increase the level of joy and love in the world, and I get to do this way more often than the average Emily (and I know there are thousands of Emily's - maybe millions).

Every time I conduct a wedding ceremony, evoking, with my words, laughter and tears of joy from the bridal party and guests, and I pronounce the couple husband and wife, I feel a thrill of joy, and I know that waves of light and love are rippling out into the world from each person present. This energy is contributing to the growth of peace and harmony on earth!

Some will wonder how mere feelings can have any effect on the state of the world. Just think about how heavy you feel when you are angry, fearful, or worried. These emotions lower our energy and consequently the vibratory rate of our environment. By the same token, think how light you feel when you are in gratitude or full of love, joy, and appreciation! Many people are realizing how our attitudes and feelings effect the world we live in, and so they are making an effort to enjoy and appreciate all the little moments in their lives.

So, going back to wedding ceremonies - I recognize that it is a great honor for me, as a wedding celebrant, to be an important member of the wedding, over and over. So far this spring and summer I have pronounced twelve couples to be united in blessed matrimony, and there will be at least 14 more, including my daughter and future son-in-law! Each bride and groom brings his and her unique personalities to the ceremony creation process, and it's always fun to witness the results.

There was the bride who wore a bright aqua wedding gown with her white veil and tropical-colored flowers. The groom hailed from New Zealand, and so for the wine sharing ritual they combined wines from New Zealand and New York to symbolize the blending of their two lives. Then they took turns stomping on the glass - even though neither one of them is Jewish!

Another couple had roots in Iceland and Ireland, so for them I created a honey-mead ritual to honor the cultures of these countries. In days of old, newlyweds in Ireland and Iceland would spend a month together drinking honey mead, and so the term for "honeymoon" was born. I don't know if my bride and groom drank it all month, but they shared a cup of honey mead at the wedding and said it was quite tasty!

On the evening of July 7th, a couple came to my home to be married in my back yard. This is what I wrote for the opening to their little ceremony: 

"We have gathered together for the marriage of Susan Smith and Ronald Brown at 7:07, on the 7^th day of the 7^th month of the year. This has always been a special date for Ron and Susan, and after today they will celebrate it as their wedding anniversary. Seven is a significant number in many ways. There are seven colors in the rainbow, seven notes in the musical scale, and seven days in a week. The Eastern mystics tell us there are seven chakras or spiritual centers in the body. Because of its connection with music, light, and subtle energy, seven is considered to be the number of spirit. A marriage that is born on this day of sevens is certain to be one in which husband and wife will love each other at the deep soul level – completely and unconditionally."

The next wedding I performed, again in my back yard, was for two women who had been together for twelve years, just waiting for the first day that they could be legally married in New York. I believe the fact that they could get married now, and legalize the commitment they had already made in their hearts and minds (and two other states!), is a sign that the world is becoming a kinder, gentler place. As more people spend more time feeling gratitude, love, appreciation, and joy, the world will continue to grow more peaceful and harmonious.. Participating in weddings is one way to create good vibes for the world, but there are many other ways, and each of us can contribute in the ways that feel best to us.

A Flawless Ceremony . . . .

       Engaged couples spend months, if not a year or more, planning for their wedding. They want it to be the best day of their lives. The ceremony should be the supreme moment, and the reception, an event that will top every other grand occasion they have ever celebrated. 


       With expectations so high, the potential for disappointment is great. No matter how carefully the plans have been laid, I advise couples to be prepared to deal with the unexpected mishaps that occur on wedding days, just like they do every other day of the year. Then realize that no matter what happens, you will love your wedding, because the love that you feel for each other, and the love that your guests have for you, will fill you with joy in spite of anything that might go wrong with the details. 


       Everyone has experienced or heard stories about weddings where something didn't go according to plan. A few mishaps I have witnessed include: the bride whose shoes came off before she stepped off the grass onto the aisle runner; the bride who tripped over her train and nearly fell after her father kissed her; the groomsman who fainted during the vows one very hot day; the ceremony where nobody had set up the glass for a wine-sharing ritual, and another one where the groom had to go to the kitchen to fetch the roses for his and the bride's parents.  None of these were major mishaps, although I'm sure the groomsman  wished he could disappear when the ceremony had to be stopped while someone got a fan to set in front of him.  

This couple's wedding was half an hour late 

because an accident held up traffic. 

Everything else went according to plan, 

and you can see how much love they put into their vows! 

       I recall another wedding when the string quartet played through the entire processional piece before the bridesmaids started to process, so . . . they played it again! Then there was the bride whose bouquet wasn't ready in time for the ceremony. Fortunately, she had planned to walk down the aisle with both of her parents, so she had one on each arm, making it look like she couldn't have held a bouquet anyway. When she had kissed them, I suggested that she step forward and hold both of the groom's hands which I don't usually do until it's time for the vows. I think she would rather hold his hands than flowers anyway, and she did have her bouquet later for the photography session!


       The more I think about it, the more mishaps I recall! I'm afraid I could go on and on, reminiscing about things that went wrong at weddings. But the points to remember are:


1. Do everything you can to prevent such mishaps from occurring.
2. Relax and recognize that nothing in life is perfect. These mishaps often add a bit of humor to the ceremony. (Did you see the video of the minister and bride who fell into the pool behind them?) Your marriage will be full of mishaps, too. Your love for each other will be the rock that sustains you then, just as it does on your wedding day.

A gust of wind knocked over and shattered a vase of roses 

in the gazebo behind this couple. 

But look how happy they are!

       In my work as a celebrant, I have had some pretty harrowing experiences. One of the worst ones took place at the Turning Stone Resort, where I laid down my black ceremony binder in the rest room and a staff person picked it up,thinking it was her work binder. The panic I felt when I realized I did not have the ceremony script is beyond description. The time between that moment and the start of the ceremony was not one I like to think about . . . .  But to make a horror story short, I was able to get into my e-mail account and print off the ceremony script that I had sent to the bride and groom for approval. It must have been 90 degrees that day, and I was pouring sweat., but the wedding went off beautifully, and nobody but the bride's mother, who had helped me print the ceremony, knew about the near catastrophe.  

 Turning Stone Wedding - All's Well That Ends Well!

           
       An hour after the ceremony, as I was about to start my car, a staff person ran up to the window with my binder that someone had finally turned in. The very next day I went to Office Max and bought a binder with a patterned cover, so nobody will mistake it for theirs!


       I might have thought a missing script was the worst thing that could happen . . . until the wedding day last October when I was staying at a bed and breakfast with a faulty door lock. The owner left for the day, telling me that I would have to prop the door open when I went outside. I remembered to do this the first time I went out to my car, but the second time, I forgot. I had just started to take things out to my car, but locked inside were my ceremony binder AND the clothes I had planned to wear for the wedding. The wedding was set to start in an hour and a half . . . .


       Needless-to-say, this was NOT a good situation. However, there were three blessings that kept it from being a total disaster: 
1. They had forgotten to give me the license at the rehearsal, so it was NOT in my binder!
2. Although I didn't have the suit I'd planned to wear, or my shoes and stockings, I did have a suit from the previous night's wedding in my car. 
3. I had my cell phone in my pocket!


       I did not have the B&B owner's cell number, but I did have the bride's mother's number, so I called and asked if she could get to a computer and printer at her hotel. I gathered this was not an easy task , and she had other things she had to do before the ceremony, but she was able to get the ceremony script while her husband went out and bought me some pantyhose. I know, I could have gone bare-legged, but it was bad enough that I had to wear my Mary Jane Sketchers with my suit, and my legs ARE 58 years old. This was another one of those wedding days that was full of stress and panic for me, as well as the bride's parents, and yet it turned out so beautifully, I hear that the guests from this wedding are still talking about how it was the best ceremony they've ever been to, and the bride wrote a lovely review for me. It's the first one on my Wedding Wire Storefront: Emily's Wedding 

After all that . . . the moment is still joyful!

       

Tips from Mother of the Bride

After creating and performing weddings for nearly sixty couples it was finally my turn to be Mother of the Bride - and celebrant, too! There were lots of decisions to be made, and one of the wisest was to give the bride and groom a budget to work with and then let them decide how to spend it. Having worked with many wedding vendors, I was able to offer suggestions for them to choose from. Vera felt that having an expert photographer was a high priority, and after looking over the websites I sent her she chose Frank Treacy of Costa Photography.  Looking at this photograph, you can see what a wise choice that was:

Another big decision was where to hold the ceremony and reception. Zach and Vera liked the idea of an outdoor ceremony, but for several reasons we settled on the Upper Room at the First United Presbyterian Church where we are members. One reason was that the room is accessible by wheelchair so we were able to get my mom to the ceremony. Vera was the first of my parents' eleven grandchildren to be married, so this was an important consideration.

Vera's grandmother receiving her corsage.

Our goal was to have an elegant but simple wedding and reception without spending a fortune. One way that we accomplished this was to limit the reception to three hours and provide an hors d'oeuvres buffet rather than a sit-down meal. The Oneonta Holiday Inn offered a delicious array of culinary delights, including roast turkey served on croissants by a staff member. The very reasonable price included linens and centerpieces, as well as the use of dressing rooms for the wedding party. 

One of our most difficult decisions was what to serve for dessert. These days it doesn't have to be wedding cake, and the Holiday Inn does offer a variety of sweet delights, but they do not allow you to bring in your own cakes or pies other than wedding cake. I thought long and hard about baking a wedding cake myself, to be decorated by the groom's mother, but after some research I wisely decided such an undertaking was beyond the reasonable scope of my abilities. I did, however, bake a chocolate groom's cake, which Zachary's mother and sister frosted and decorated. A lot of people here in New York have never heard of groom's cake, but it is a popular addition to wedding receptions in the South where we used to live, and in Oklahoma, where Zachary's family lives. Because we were providing the groom's cake, we were able to order a small, three-tier wedding cake, provided by Laura's Chocolates and Custom Designed Cakes. The wedding cake was decorated with blue roses and the groom's cake was topped with a tuba player (Zachary) and a pianist (Vera).

Vera and Zachary became engaged just five months before their wedding date - a short engagement by today's standards. That didn't leave a lot of time for all the plans and decisions to be made, but since they'd been hinting at wedding plans for several months before the official announcement, we had a few ideas churning ahead of time! One of the biggest decisions for a wedding is always the guest list. We had to keep our total to 75 people including the wedding party - due to budget restraints and the size of the Upper Room. We managed this by deciding that the wedding was mainly for the bride and groom, and so we invited only their friends, close relatives, and a very few family friends. 

I tried my best to convince Vera to cut back on the number of bridesmaids, but she said she had already whittled her list of attendants down to eight, and she just couldn't leave anyone else out. Consequently, we decided to order silk flowers for the wedding party which some appreciated since they could save their bouquets as mementos. 

     Vera's silk bouquet

Zachary and Vera chose Cosmic Combo as their reception DJ. Being musicians, they personally selected all of the music to be played for their guests. The Father of the Bride had a surprise for them, though. When the Father/Daughter and Mother/Son dance was announced, the music played was a recording of Vera's dad, Mark, singing "You Cannot Lose My Love." If you are a parent, and you have never heard this song, click on the link, listen, and be prepared to cry.

                                                           Father and daughter dancing.

I did learn a few things about planning a wedding that would be helpful to remember if I had it to do again. I only have one daughter, but in case these lessons would be helpful to someone else, I'll tell you what I learned.

1. Don't assume that guests will come just because they said they would. Plan on paying for a few no-shows and you won't be annoyed when it happens.

2. Mark and I hosted a breakfast for out-of-town guests the day of the wedding, thinking we'd have all afternoon to prepare for the evening ceremony. But a few guests showed up in the afternoon and thought it was a good idea to drop in on us. My suggestion is to make it clear to guests beforehand when you will be preparing for the wedding and not welcoming company.

3. I assumed that coffee would be served with the cake at the reception. I should have specified a request when we spoke to the coordinator because most of the guests had finished their cake before the coffee was served. I refused to take a bite until I had my cup of decaf, so I ate my cake alone while everyone else was up dancing!

4. Since I left the photo plans up to Vera, I didn't realize that she forgot to ask that all the guests be photographed. I really wish we had made sure we had pictures of everyone who was there. Never again will we have all of those people celebrating together in the same room. 

None of these slips are really ALL that important. The wedding was one of the most joyful occasions of my life - obviously, since I'm enjoying the memories five months later, and I'm sure I will enjoy them as long as my memory remains intact. 

One of the joys I have to mention is that our son, Peter, who lives too far away now in Wisconsin, came home to participate as Vera's Man of Honor. Peter gave a magnificent toast in which he quoted from the movie, Princess Bride, delighting everyone with these words: "Mawidge...mawidge is what bwings us togewer today... Mawidge, the bwessed awwangement, that dweam wiffim a dweam... ... Ven wuv, twoo wuv, wiw fowwow you fowever. . . ."

Peter van Laeys toasting the bride and groom.

                                                               

Celebrating My Daughter's Wedding

I have neglected this blog for over a year because I forgot how to log in and was a bit busy with other endeavors. I was about to start a whole new blog today, but the light switch went on in my head and reminded me how to log in! 2011 was an exciting wedding year for me, so I have lots of stories to tell. I will start with the highlight of my career as a celebrant AND my career as a mother - the performance of my daughter's wedding on October 8th.

Many people have asked me how I could perform Vera's wedding without breaking down. I did buy some waterproof mascara for the occasion, just in case, but I never shed a tear. It was just one of the happiest occasions of my life, so all I could do was smile. Plus, Zachary and Vera's wedding came at the end of my fourth season as a celebrant, and with all that experience behind me, I felt composed and confident throughout.

Zach and Vera's wedding posed a bit of a challenge because we had eight bridesmaids and five groomsmen to line up and process. Vera's brother, Peter, was her man-of-honor - partly because he's been her friend longer than anyone else, and partly so the bridesmaids couldn't fight over who would get the honor. We decided to line the women up in size order, which resolved that issue, and then for the processional each woman was flanked by two men. The highlight of the processional was watching Zachary's nephew, Xavier, escort two pretty young women down the aisle. 

I did manage to play the role of MOB as well as Celebrant, by lighting candles with Zachary's mom, Linda, and having my brother read the parent recognitions to me and Mark. It's a good thing, too, because it gave me the opportunity to straighten out Steve's twisted necktie.

Vera and Zachary met when Vera went to Texas to visit her friend, Jackie, in January 2010, where Zach was studying at the music performance program of Texas Christian U. grad school. He and Vera started a long-distance relationship that involved lots of phone calls, letters, and trips, until Zach was able to move to Albany where Vera is still in grad school. Two musically-talented friends from TCU played trumpet and piano for the recessional and processional, and Jackie sang "Long Roads" with her ukulele. 

The ceremony was held in the upstairs chapel in our church, First United Presbyterian. After the ceremony, Vera and Zachary went down the stairs to the sanctuary, while the rest of us went out the side door. Then we all gathered in front of the building so we could blow bubbles at the newlyweds when they came out the front door. 

And here they are - my new son-in-law and my daughter, just after changing her name to Vera Hamilton!

Local Woman Honored for Wedding Work

By Mark Boshnack, Oneonta Daily Star Staff Writer

The Daily Star Tue Feb 01, 2011, 02:30 AM EST

An Oneonta business that helps couples craft a memorable wedding has earned national recognition, two involved said.

Emily VanLaeys of Custom Ceremonies was recently named a recipient of the 2011 WeddingWire Bride's Choice Award for professional wedding officiant, according to a media release.

The awards, in a number of categories, were determined by recent reviews and surveys from more than 750,000 WeddingWire newlyweds, according to the release.

An officiant is anyone who performs a wedding ceremony, WeddingWire spokeswoman Kate Hoffman said. This is the third year for the awards.

"It's always good to be recognized for doing a good job," VanLaeys said.

Her service provides more than a traditional officiant, she said. As a celebrant she works with couples, through an interview, to provide a personalized wedding service.

"It's exclusive to that couple," she said.

WeddingWire provides awards in 20 categories that cover the range of the wedding industry from photographers to florists, Hoffman said. Winners are chosen by past clients. They have shown their commitment to quality, she said.

VanLaeys started the business about three years ago after reading about the service in an article in a wedding magazine, she said.

She has worked as a freelance writer and realized it would be a perfect fit, VanLaeys said. She really enjoys working with people "on one of the most important days of their lives," she said.

She has been married for 34 years, she said.

VanLaeys said she was hopeful the institution has a bright future.

"The people that I marry seem to be full of joy and love. That is what I love about the job," she said.

With eight weddings the first year and 16 in 2010, "I'm doing a little better each year," she said. VanLaeys said she hoped her award will continue that trend.